Breathe Through This
  • Recent Posts
  • Meet the Author
  • Reflect

Is this Cookie Monster really happy? 

9/10/2013

 
Picture
A colleague at work today asked me if I was happy.  The question is not surprising considering that four months ago, when I went on an extended medical leave, I was in total crisis mode, and definitely not happy.  What’s shocking is my reaction to this question; I really didn’t know how to respond.  I could see that she was genuinely concerned about me, so I nonchalantly responded, “Oh ya, I’m happy.”  Throughout the day, this started to eat away at me because I’m not exactly sure what happy looks like or feels like.

For most of my life, I’ve equated my happiness with pleasure; something that can be bolstered by material things be it fashion, food, drugs, or possessions.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that happiness in this form is transitory, illusionary, and diminishing.  I have the mindset of an addict, so defining happiness based on the metric of pleasure acquisition, is a slippery slope that invariably leads to dissatisfaction and excess.  Even at 16 years clean and sober, I’m plagued by this type of thinking each, and every day.  If you want to see this in action, just watch me sit down to a plate of my wife’s homemade oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies.  As soon as I take my first bite of one of the four cookies on my plate, instead of feeling happiness, I’m flooded with anxiety and the need to get more.  18, 20 cookies later, all the pleasure I was chasing is now just a guilt-ridden stomach ache.  This scenario replays itself weekly in our house.

If I’m to live a more authentic life, I will need to undergo a radical shift in my understanding of happiness.  This brings me back to the question I was asked today at work, and whether or not I’m happy.  Superficially I have all the makings of happiness:  a loving wife and son, a fancy sports car, a great house, and lots of the little luxuries I pamper myself with.  The reason I balk at believing I’m happy is that like the oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies, these things leave me wanting more and feeling uneasy because they can be so quickly taken away.  

Aristotle wrestled with the same philosophical problem when he said:  “The function of man is to live a certain kind of life, and this activity implies a rational principle, and the function of a good man is the good and noble performance of these, and if any action is well performed, it is performed in accord with the appropriate excellence: if this is the case, then happiness turns out to be an activity of the soul in accordance with virtue.”

So there’s the rub… I don’t think there is much “virtue” in my acquisition of material possessions nor in my futile attempts to seek pleasure through food and drugs.  What Aristotle was reaching for was something greater, a totality of living a “virtuous” life.  This idea of happiness is not fleeting like our modern notion of pleasure-induced happiness.  I am a product of a society of instant gratification fueled by untethered consumerism.  If I’m to aspire to lasting happiness, I will need to reframe my entire outlook.  

One of my greatest fears in life is to be on my deathbed surrounded by things, and not people.  I’m terrified of dying alone, of not leaving a footprint on this place, of not being missed.  A huge piece of my year-long project to seek an authentic life through vulnerability and growth, will need me to align my notion of what it means to be happy with that of Aristotle.  My new equation looks something like this:

TIME(PATIENCE) + INTROSPECTION + EMPATHY + FEARLESSNESS = HAPPINESS

Can I be a better husband, father, friend, teacher, neighbor, global citizen?   The answer is definitely “yes”.   Am I willing to do the soul-searching, pain-staking work to be better?  Again, the answer today is “yes”.  I’ve got a lifetime of protective veneer to chip away at, and I am grateful that happiness is not "something I can get”, but rather, "something I can be” but only if I keep walking towards “virtue”.

 

Michelle Lennox
9/10/2013 09:23:51 pm

Your post struck a very deep chord. Thanks and keep writing!

Jean-Paul Bedard
9/10/2013 09:26:33 pm

Thank you so much Michelle.... I wish you all the happiness you seek.

Laurie
11/22/2013 11:15:53 am

I follow your posts daily with so much gratitude. I'm undertaking a major life shift and stumbled upon you on Twitter. You inspire me, teach me and provide more comfort you can imagine. Thank you for allowing me to feel I'm OK when I haven't felt that for most of my life. Blessings to you.

Jean-Paul link
11/22/2013 07:26:17 pm

Hi Laurie:
What a gift for me to wake up to your lovely comment this morning. Thank you so much for support and for taking the time to read my posts. Please believe me when I say that you are "ok" and that you are indeed worthy of being loved. For much of my life, I felt "broken" and "disconnected", and when everything finally came to a head this spring, I thought I was "falling apart". It turns out, I wasn't falling apart, but I was falling back together again. Trust that you are exactly where you need to be and reach out to let others know you're struggling. It's our struggles that unite us and it's those same struggles that make us interesting. If you'd like, you're welcome to send me a direct email, the link is at the top of the page: runjprun@gmail.com

Through tears I type thank you for touching my heart!
11/23/2013 11:25:25 am

Linda
4/22/2014 10:18:07 am

Why, do you think, as adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we feel the need to eat all the cookies on the plate and not feel satisfied stopping at one or two?


Comments are closed.

    Archives

    January 2019
    December 2018
    August 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    July 2017
    April 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    November 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    November 2015
    October 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013

    RSS Feed

email the author:  runjprun@gmail.com
Photo used under Creative Commons from (vincent desjardins)
  • Recent Posts
  • Meet the Author
  • Reflect