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The space to love

12/6/2013

 
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As a long distance runner, I spend many hours criss-crossing the streets of Toronto.  Every morning on my way back to our house in Toronto’s Beaches neighbourhood, I cross a majestic steel bridge with the following inscription on the upper trusses:  “The river I step in is not the same river I stand in.”  This is such a magical concept because it reminds me not to become attached to possessions and situations because like the river, they will flow to and from me continuously.  

I’ve been married for almost 27 years, and I’m often asked what the secret is to our enduring relationship.  The only thing I’m certain of is that my wife and I are not the same people we married all those years ago.  Every relationship waxes and wanes, and learning to embrace that constant flux, instead of resisting it, is a cornerstone of any fulfilling relationship.  Those of you who regularly follow my posts, are well aware that the past six months has been a tumultuous time in my life, so it’s inevitable that there have been significant reverberations in my relationship with my wife.  

I've witnessed a monumental evolution in our marriage during this period, and recently I’ve spent a lot of time trying to define what “love” means to me.  For years, I equated love with a feeling of euphoria, happiness, and general harmony of emotions, but today, I no longer define it in this way.  For me, love means “space”—and I don’t mean what many people refer to as “needing space to figure things out alone.”  It’s easier to go through life trying to create certainty whenever possible.  When it comes to my understanding of my spouse, I’m conscious of allowing her the “space” to change, grow, and self-reflect.  This is by no means an easy thing to do.  It takes an incredible amount of faith in my bond with my wife to feel safe in the uncertainty of her constant evolution.  

In order to be comfortable with my partner having this “space” to grow, I need to first cultivate this freedom of space in my own life.  Being able to “sit with” this uncertainty in our relationship can only happen if I nurture a strong sense of compassion because this is manifest in understanding.  Any time there is tension in our relationship, it originates out of misconception and poor communication.  By learning to live with compassion in my heart, I feel less suffering in my own life because I become open to recognizing the pain and discomfort that others around me feel.  I’m actively trying to be present in the moment when I’m with my partner because viewing every situation through the lens of compassion permits me the “space” to see what lies beneath, or behind, the strong emotions in our interactions.  When we communicate authentically like this, we are no longer reacting, but interacting.  

Another revelation in our relationship over the past six months, has been a tacit recognition of the distinction between “being there with our partner”, compared to “being there for our partner.”  This is another example of why I now believe “love equals space.”  When we care for someone deeply, our natural inclination is to try to fix his/her problems or to in someway change the person.  As I have been wading through the complex emotions arising from my disclosure of the childhood sexual abuse I experienced, my wife has been by my side in the most meaningful way possible.  We’ve been witnessing how simply “being with our partner” is not only supportive but transformational.  In other words, it’s an example of “when doing nothing” is actually “doing everything.’  

The spiritual leader Eckhart Tolle believes that all of us have something inside us called the “pain body”—It’s the residue of human emotion inside of us that metastasizes all of the pain, trauma, and discomfort we have experienced throughout our life.  When we acknowledge this pain body in ourselves, it allows us to witness it in those we love as well.  I believe that living a wholehearted life does not involve getting rid of this pain body, or even denying its presence.  I think freedom comes from harnessing this pain energy and redirecting it as a spark for interpersonal growth and personal transformation.  By releasing this feeling of “stuckness”  and by no longer being controlled by our pain body,  we open the door to more joy and calm entering our life.  So again, it’s another another illustration of how permitting room for this “space” is in essence, nurturing love.  

Theresa
12/6/2013 10:48:31 am

I swear Jean-Paul. You are always 10 steps ahead of me in your journey. But honestly everyday you help me find the strength to move forward, struggle through the difficult counselling sessions, and deepen the relationship wih my amazing partner.

Meghan
12/7/2013 04:02:15 am

Hi there JP, I just found your blog through stumbling across you on twitter and well... I've just sort of fallen down the rabbit hole of reading your wise, bravely honest and eloquent blog posts! I can relate to A LOT of your experiences and so I read your posts with a sense of empathy and solidarity, and I commend you for your courage to be vulnerable and to allow that vulnerability to change and evolve you as you move forward through this crazy journey we call life.

I just subscribed so that I continue to read and follow you along your journey. Keep bravely wading through the muck and walking through the fire - I believe that you already have EVERYTHING you need for this journey inside of you, and it seems to me that you have a pretty good sense of where to look too... ;)

JP
12/7/2013 06:15:56 am

Hi Meghan....

Wow... thanks so much for your lovely words. It's been an incredible journey so far, and I'm both terrified and excited where it will go next. Spread the word about the posts because I'm trying to take the "shame" out of trauma one reader at a time. We ALL are hurting in one way or another, and realizing this creates a connection amongst all of us....That will be the channel for growth, transformation, and love for everyone.

with deepest respect

jp

Confederate
12/7/2013 03:35:47 pm

It makes me cry, because in this post I found answer to the question, what I think about lately. How often when we fall in love with somebody we try to possess he or she, such as keep in hand a bird or a flower, in order to be able to observe and be together whenever we need it. We do not concentrate our attention what would be better for our passion, and all what we want is prolonging our personal feeling of happiness even when we destroy somebody's life.
I am glad that you built so insightful and strong relationship, and I wish you would keep it forever. Happy, reliable marriage is a strong base and protection that help you to realize all your dreams. I know that all problems, as well as a wind, extinguishes spark of flirtation, but the same wind makes only stronger fire of real relationship. Live happily ever after...

Mary Maddux link
12/9/2013 02:38:11 am

What synchronicity to read your beautiful post just after posting the following on our Facebook page: "Meditation creates intimacy with ourselves. Intimacy with ourselves creates intimacy with others." Your comments on the pain body really resonate with what I was feeling and thinking when I wrote that post. We have to be present to our own pain, to everything within us, to be fully present to another. I find that even when the experience is painful, there is a deep satisfaction in that intimacy.

Thank you for being so very open in sharing your experience.

Jodi link
12/9/2013 11:27:13 am

This is a moving and such an important piece, Jean-Paul. To feel safe in the uncertainty of constant evolution ~ you phrase that so well, and it truly is one of the most challenging things about being human and connected to others, isn't it?

As I started picking up the pieces after a 12-year relationship ended, my biggest breakthrough came when I realized (while passing under a bridge during a race!) that so much of my unhappiness was rooted in being attached to certain things, like what I had wanted the relationship to be and what I felt my life should look like when it was over. It was only when I let go of what had come before and my expectations of the future that I could be in each moment of the journey and appreciate where it was taking me, even if I didn't (and still don't!) know the exact destination.

I look forward to reading through more of your blog (and to sharing the 2014 TYS10K experience with you!).


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