![]() Acceptance is a theme that has been running through many facets of my life, and even more so recently. The more I seek solace in the structure I’ve established in my life, the more I realize what an illusion this structure is and how my grasping to this illusion of control is a source of much of the discomfort in my life. No matter how many good habits I nurture, there will always be things beyond my control, and it’s these uncontrollables that manifest in anxiety, frustration, and stress. Carl Jung, the founder of analytical psychology, said: “We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” I can completely identify with this idea of “condemnation”, as my typical first response is to scream and throw a temper tantrum when things do not go according to “my plan”. Intuitively, I know that my sense of control is a fallacy, but in actual fact, I live in denial that this universal truth doesn’t apply to me, only to everyone else. I’m quick to give advice to others to simply go with the flow, but for me, the natural course is to attempt to swim upstream and bash my head against every rock along the way. Whenever we are faced with big crises such as job loss, depression, overwhelming anxiety, illness, or trauma, our first battle cry is usually “Why me?” I’m only just beginning to realize that the better response to these crises is to say, “Okay, this happened, so what is it teaching me?” This is a subtle mindset shift, but it can have a significant impact on working through this discomfort. Learning to be with my discomfort and allowing it to wash over me, is a potent source of transformation and personal evolution. The ancient Romans described this as “amor fati”, which is loosely translated as “seeking virtue in loving one’s fate.” By facing this discomfort head on and actively choosing not to rally against it, we become more in tune with the natural flow of life, but most importantly, we build up an armor against uncertainty that allows us to lean into even greater challenges to come. Buddhists incorporate this into their mindfulness practice, as the acceptance of universal suffering is a mainspring of humanity. So, how can we suppress our ego-centric why me voice and begin to relinquish illusionary control for the much more healthful feeling of acceptance? If I survey my life and focus on the pivotal moments when I’ve had the most spiritual growth and maturity, I quickly realize that they are the outgrowth of coming through challenge, struggle, or trauma. Life gives us exactly what we need, and often courage, empathy, and/or wisdom are the harvest of uncertainty. Over the past five months, I’ve started to distill this process down to a few basic “truths”. (1) I can’t control everything, so stop fighting and start floating along. (2) Denial and avoidance may be comforting in the short term, but awareness and acceptance pay long-term dividends. (3) Breathe, get perspective, and be kind to myself. Sometimes the answer to a problem comes from the most unlikely of places. (4) If I can’t control the universe and I can’t control most of the things in my life, why would I think I can control or change someone else? (5) Being “perfect” is impossible, and even if it were, it wouldn’t be that much fun.
Beautifully written. Number 3 and number 5 really struck a chord with me. I think we are often kind to others but forget ourselves and that really is a shame because if we can't be kind to ourselves then who will be? As a wife and mother I fight the "be perfect" battle daily and need to remind myself that I am the "perfect" mum to my boys and that's all I need to be. I should not feel like I'm failing because my 6 year old doesn't get off the bus to a spotless house and fresh baked cookies every day, but gets off the bus to a mum who is always happy to see him, asks about his favorite part of his day while having a snack and has him help make dinner for the evening.
Jean-Paul Bedard
11/12/2013 08:57:01 am
Thank you Anita.... I love hearing from everyone and how things resonate with them. It sounds like you are the "perfect" mom, and I wish I had that when I was growing up. I'm a HUGE Kim fan too.... I love her honesty, passion, and ability to give us all a window into her life. What an honour.
Sara
11/12/2013 10:00:17 am
What a wonderful post! Your posts always reasonate so well in countless ways..2,3,4 here! I have past turmoil with my absent addict father, not to mention always getting in my own way.
Jean-Paul Bedard
11/12/2013 10:05:03 am
Thanks Sara..... I've been that "addict father" myself, so I know the significance of getting better and healing our relationships. Thank you for sharing with me.
Jean-Paul Bedard
11/12/2013 09:55:32 pm
Kim, don't worry about getting a big head.... It will go with your big heart and big smile.
Katina
11/13/2013 02:11:20 am
Loved this post - such a huge truth for most of us! Although I don't know if live gives us what we need, we certainly have what we need to manage what life gives us once we can give in to it and appreciate each other and what we can. Thanks! Comments are closed.
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