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When the bottom falls out

11/25/2013

 
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During the past three months, regular followers of my blog have been witness to my journey of spiritual and emotional growth as I profess the beauty of my attempting to lean in to my discomfort.  When embarking on this public sharing of my journey, I promised myself and those of you who are following along that I would be brutally honest with what is actually going on in my life.  

Well folks, I’m struggling at the moment.  The cumulative stress and required energy to keep humming along in my recovery has finally taken its toll.  Having battled drug/alcohol addiction during my 16 years of sobriety, I’m no neophyte when it comes to setbacks.  Over the years, I learned that when I get complacent and ride that “pink cloud” that tells me everything is going great, I’m usually ripe for a rendering of humility.  

In April of this year, I fostered the courage to disclose to family and friends that I was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  Although I would never wish to go back to harbouring this secret  that manifest in shame, since opening the door to this trauma, my life has descended into utter turmoil, and I’m working tirelessly to get balance back in my family life, work life, and spiritual life.  Many of you joined this journey in September when my mental health was improving and optimism began to fill my horizon.  

If you talk to survivors of childhood sexual abuse, they will tell you how liberating it is to finally disclose this secret that has been haunting them for most of their life.  It’s also common to hear survivors share about how much energy it took to bury that secret and in a sense, live a fractured life; one that the outside world could see, and the real one trapped inside.  Today, I no longer need to waste that useless energy concealing my past, but I can’t even begin to describe how draining it is to work through everything that is bubbling to the surface.  It’s a feeling of constantly having to keep hundreds of balls in the air, as I discover how to reconnect with a part of my psyche that I had segregated for 35 years.  It has a huge impact on my physical, sexual, and emotional identity.  

Ironically, it was not until after I had disclosed the abuse in April that I began to have nightmares about the events in my childhood.  During the past two months, I’ve been suffering from debilitating night terrors that wrench me from my sleep in a cold sweat.  I’m thankful that my wife has been supportive and is very adept at gently waking me from these nightmares.  My psyche is so fragile at the moment that the littlest thing can trigger these night terrors like a scene of confinement in a movie, reading about something happening to a child, or even something innocent that a person may say to me during the day.  I know that this is just my mind finally feeling able to process the abuse from my childhood, but that still doesn't make it any easier to live through.

As an addict, my default reaction is to dull these feelings with drugs or alcohol, but I’ve worked far too hard and for too long to hold that out as a viable option.  That being said, it does not prevent my mind from wandering into that psychological battleground.  It feels as though I’m really at another precipice and learning to sit with this discomfort is really the only path available to me.  I’m a planner at heart, so here’s what I have proposed for myself:  (1) Acknowledge what is happening is real, and that feeling discomfort is not a sign of weakness.  (2) Eliminate blame and shame because no solution lies there.  (3) Give myself time to process everything, and that means avoid rash decisions.  (4) Access my spirituality, which for me means seeking comfort in running, meditation, and yoga.  

I can think of no better way to end this post than with this fitting quotation from Victor Frankel’s Man’s Search for Meaning:  “The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity-even under the most difficult circumstances-to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for selfpreservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him.  And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not."

Patte
11/25/2013 10:11:01 am

God will keep you safe and help to guide you. Your strength is inspiring.

Confederate
11/25/2013 01:14:00 pm

I believe in you. You are stronger than others. You are the winner...

Karen Boyd
11/25/2013 01:22:13 pm

Hey JP, I just wanted to drop you a line to tell you how much I enjoy reading your blogs. You have inspired me so much! I believe you inspire many people. You've been through an unbearable amount of tragedy. Look at you know, you are truly amazing! I realize you have setbacks, they are inevitable, you have dealt with more than any person should ever have too one lifetime!
From what I've read about you because I have not met you in person, your accomplishments are plenty. The marathons you run, the battles you've taught and won...you are a teacher, that in itself it a feat!
I was recently introduced to Neurofeedback, have you ever done or considered this?
I suffer from PTSD and have found this to be amazing. I have currently completed 6 sessions and I believe thus far it has done wonders for me. My negative thoughts are starting to become positive and I am feeling so much better about life in general. If you haven't tried it or looked in to it, it may be something to consider.
Again JP, you are a true inspiration and God will see you through these difficult times also. Stay strong and keep up the fight so that one day, you will no longer struggle with anything.

Katina
11/25/2013 08:02:46 pm

I admire your courage JP - sounds like facing a personal tsunami but with excellent life jackets. It reminds me of when I have experienced grief - I didn't realize the physical toll which cannot be controlled or evened out - you just have to leave a lot of time to rest and process, even if you want to you can't always keep going at a regular life pace which is hard in and of itself. Hugs and I am glad you are being kind to yourself. k

dirty Di
11/25/2013 09:25:51 pm

It's hard to imagine JP that life has these little hard challenges when you seem to be doing so well. Ahhh...but that's you sharing with us and I appreciate your sharing and upbeat, positive notes in life (via FB). Reality is you're going through a long process of revealing & moving forward in life to a more positive place. And like many roads, there are bumps.

Reading your pieces here reminds me that life is filled with challenges and that things aren't all rosy. But you've become an incredible role model for us readers. You can get through this tough patch JP because you have a great support system.

Thanks for painting life as real as it is. I think that everyone, no matter what age has tough patches of varying degrees. You inspire us to work through them by facing them and reaching out for support. What you are doing is so incredibly brave my Friend!

Shirley
11/26/2013 12:16:41 am

Have you tried EMDR? Thank you for posting your blogs Jean-Paul. You are an amazingly open and honest soul which serves you well in your recovery.

survivor
11/26/2013 01:06:17 am

You are not alone. I am in the same battle you are. For years, I did not speak about my experiences. I want to send you the warmth of my arms wrapped around you and squeeze you, both of us liberated from the fear of the truth. I too have nightmares, but with every agonizing or happy or confusing step I take, I feel healing. The gratitude I have for the support around me i stunning. I started this battle for closure 3 years ago. It comes and goes. I'm not always battling on the frontline. But know, that you have an army of strength and ability within you. You can be your own nurse and doctor, soldier, Sargent general, postcard from home and beautiful moment in serenity. You are not alone. Always reach out when you can. Let it go. I wish you all the warmth and gentleness is the world. With love and positivity, your friend. <3

Rob Nelson
11/26/2013 02:26:15 am

JP, thank you for inviting me to your page, my hat is off to the strength you summoned from within yourself to move forward and share.

Laurie
11/26/2013 12:59:33 pm

Sending you support from Washington State. Huge supporter and admirer of you and your courage! I can only imagine your painful burdens. I wish you peace. Bless you.


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